Tuesday is the one day of the week that I can actually afford to go to the movies, thanks to cheap ticket day at my local moving picture projection house. So on Tuesday I tend to go a little nuts, which is surprising considering the fact that most movies these days suck inordinate quantities of dick. Still, it's the only way that I can find to escape my day to day life, which is on average considerably worse.

That's good news for you however! Because thanks to the magic of the internet I can warn you ahead of time so that you don't make the same mistakes that I frequently do. So without further ado, here's the list of all the shit I subjected myself to this week.

I don't understand. Harry Potter has special effects, magical fantasy, an intreguing and original storyline, seven books worth of material and every big-name actor Britain has ever produced, including the dead ones. So why the hell is it so boring?

There's one of these movies every year, and already I've forgotten everything that happened in the last one. I dare say it had something to do with Harry wandering off in search of some magical artifact so that Ralph Fiennes can't get his hands on it first, all the while Alan Rickman acts creepy and Michael Gambon channels Gandalf. But while they're using the same cookie-cutter plotlines, the movies are getting longer and packed with more filler. This appears to be the "Harry acts like a fucking jerk for two hours" episode.

I haven't read the Harry Potter books, but I can't help but think something is going drastically wrong with the adaptation process when a bunch of billion-word novels get transferred to two hundred minutes of absolutely nothing. I've actually forgotten this movie already. The only thing keeping me awake throughout the ordeal was the screeching voice of an old overacting woman who took up about three hours more screentime than she should have. Even then I was only thinking one thing: What happened to Voldemort's nose? Honestly. Ralph Fiennes' nose is his most appealing feature. You can't deprive a man of that. Would you rob Adrian Brody of his regal schnoz? I think not.

See this only if you like Asian people who talk in overwhelmingly Scottish accents.

I'm pissed off. I feel like I was fooled into watching this on a false premise. I mean, do you mean to tell me that there's this movie whose entire premise is based around Katherine Heigl's sex life, and never once do we get to see her breasts? Not only that, but we spend a distressing amount of time seeing Seth Rogan's private areas. It's like a horrible, horrible joke. Well, this man ain't laughing, Hollywood!

That's all I have to say about this.