Tuesday is the one day of the week that I can actually afford to go to the movies, thanks to cheap ticket day at my local moving picture projection house. So on Tuesday I tend to go a little nuts, which is surprising considering the fact that most movies these days suck inordinate quantities of dick. Still, it's the only way that I can find to escape my day to day life, which is on average considerably worse.

That's good news for you however! Because thanks to the magic of the internet I can warn you ahead of time so that you don't make the same mistakes that I frequently do. So without further ado, here's the list of all the shit I subjected myself to this week.

Well, holy shit. They finally did it. They finally crossed the last frontier, swallowed what little pride they had left, and turned Transformers - a hit kids' fad from the 1980s - into a violent action movie. And who better to direct it than Michael Bay, director of such hits as Shit Exploding: The Movie, Bad Boys, The Island, and Shit Exploding 2: 2 Shit 2 Explodier. And I tell you what - you know without a doubt that you're watching the Michael Bay Transformers movie when you see Bumblebee urinating on John Turturro. I wish I was kidding.

It's funny that Transformers wound up so popular, and people continue to consider it such a novel concept. Robots that turn into cars. That's not a genius idea, it's the product of shrewd observation. Some guy figured out that little boys like robots and they like cars, so they'd probably like a toy that is both robot and car. The idea eventually expanded to encompass other things that little boys like, such as tanks and planes and guns. Now all the little boys are grown up, and they've taken the same concept to its inevitable conclusion, encompassing the things that big boys like, such as multimillion-dollar action movies, explosions, Michael Bay and Megan Fox.

Now, I don't want to get into a discussion about how Transformers doesn't make any fucking sense. That would only end badly, like complaining about a He-Man adaptation being too gay. But at least the original Transformers cartoon made sense in the realm of basic physics - they were toys. The toys physically transformed into robots, by unclipping and unfolding bits and pieces, and they did the same thing on screen. In the movie, though, the robots are five times bigger than the things they transform into. They don't transform so much as morph, shattering the laws of matter in order to become as awesome as possible. What the fuck, Michael Bay? This isn't Morphers. These aren't T-1000 liquid metal terminators. And why does Optimus Prime have lips? Why does he have the voice of Eeyore? Does seeing this movie mean that I've lived too long?

Look, gay is funny. More specifically, men who aren't gay being put in gay situations is funny. I want the gay community to understand, I'm not laughing at you directly, I'm sure you're all very nice people, but the fact remains that two men having sex is hilarious. The only time we've seen a homoerotic movie that wasn't billed as a comedy was in Brokeback Mountain, and that's because Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal are so convincingly gay that all the humour was sucked out of it. We've got a movie coming out later this year where Adam Sandler marries another bloke for money, and everyone remembers the scene in the Borat movie where the fat naked guy sat on Borat's face. It's hilarious. It's like a magic formula - if you want to make your movie funnier, gay it up.

That's the ticket they've run with for Blades of Glory, putting two Hollywood comedians in the faggiest situation possible. Not just figure skating, but a male figure skating duo. Its entire humour portfolio relies on Will Ferrell looking uncomfortable with Jon Heder's bulging crotch in his face, or grabbing his crotch, or rubbing their crotches together. I don't know about you, but I never really wanted to live to see Will Ferrell and Napoleon Dynamite in skintight leotards and Shirley Temple haircuts gliding gracefully across the ice dancing like girls. The only way this movie could be more homoerotic is if it were nothing but two hours of a bunch of penises rubbing against each other. In fact, the only cinematic experience I've had that was as gay as Blades of Glory would have to be this.