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I'm a superintelligent weapons tycoon. I'm here to sell the United States military a brand new hi-tech superweapon, and for some reason I have to travel all the way to a conflict zone in Afghanistan to do that. The weapon is basically just a cluster bomb. |
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I'm the token black sidekick, and besides that I don't really serve a purpose in the plot of this film. By Hollywood law, it's mandatory that I say "dayam!" at least once in this movie. |
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I'm a terrorist. Robert Downey Jr, I am going to kidnap you and force you to build me a weapon of mass destruction. With your bare hands. In a cave. With a box of spare parts. Even though your company is basically giving me free weapons anyway. |
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That's basically the equivalent of asking a raccoon with stone-age tools to build the Hubble Space Telescope. But ok. |
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I'm a plot device. I will assist you. Also, there is some shrapnel in your body, and I have saved your life using the most far-fetched method possible. |
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Hey, I have an idea. Instead of building a bomb, we'll use these shitty materials to construct a futuristic battle suit. In a month. With my bare fucking hands. |
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We can't be bothered monitoring your activities, so I'm just going to ask you. Are you building a bomb, or a futuristic battle suit that you will use to kill us? |
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Bomb. |
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...all right then. |
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SURPRISE!!! FUTURISTIC BATTLE SUIT DESTROY!!! |
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Nooooo!!!! |
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(later) |
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I'm so glad you're alive! Even though you're a complete asshole, just like every other woman in this movie I am secretly in love with you. Because women are stupid. |
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As your partner in the company, and definitely not secretly the villain who wants to kill you, I too am glad you are alive. |
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My first action will be to shut down all the weapons-related divisions of my weapons company. My experiences have made me a pacifist. I see no financial penalties for this decision. |
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...hey now. |
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Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to build a new battle suit far beyond the capabilities of modern science, because evidently I'm simply the most intelligent human ever to live. Except maybe that stretchy guy in Fantastic Four. |
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(moments later) |
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Success! Now to go kill some muslims. |
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Dear god no! |
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(first of two action scenes) |
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Surprise! I'm the bad guy! I plan to kill you and steal your battle suit plans for no reason that is ever sufficiently explained. |
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I need to figure out what Jeff Bridges is planning. I wish there was a way to break into his computer somehow. |
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Never fear! Not only am I a beautiful assistant, it turns out I am also a master hacker. |
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Too late! I have constructed a battle-suit of my own! Prepare for Mecha Jeff Bridges! |
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Dayam! |
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(second of two action scenes) |
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Gwyneth Paltrow! Hack into something and make it explode! |
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Nooooo! |
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I guess now I can express my secret, undying love for you. |
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That's sweet, but unfortunately I am frigid. |
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I'm Iron Man. |
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DAAN DAAN DAANAANAAAN!!!
DANANANANANANA DAANAANAAAN!!!
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Comic book movies are consistently awesome!! |
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