 |
I'm Gabriel, the last "Arc" angel. My duty is to hunt down and kill evil angels in the afterlife. |
|
...USING GUNS. |
 |
(explosive orgasm) |
 |
I used to be an angel, but then I became disillusioned when I discovered the afterlife is pretty much the same as regular Earth except that it's even more of a shithole. Now I work as a whore in order to finance my heroin addiction. Thanks God, you fucking asshole. |
|
Shhhh! Don't say the G-word! This is one of those secular afterlives, in which we use Judeo-Christian mythology but remain deliberately ambiguous about the existence of a higher power, so that mainstream youth won't become uncomfortable in the presence of religious undertones. |
|
My mistake! Let's fuck. |
|
K. |
 |
I'm the leader of the fallen angels, minions of something that may or may not be Satan, from a realm that may or may not be Hell. No pictures exist of me on the internet, so I am represented here by an image of the similar-looking and aptly named illusionist Criss Angel. |
|
I should probably be killing bad guys, but instead of that, I'm going to mill around the place, brooding a lot and talking to people while being dark and mysterious. |
|
I should probably be killing good guys, but instead of that, I'm going to mill around my secret hide-out, brooding a lot and being angry and evil. |
|
You know, if we're going to subject people to two hours of straight gothic angst, the least we could do stick some action in there occasionally. You know, like have the bad guys and the good guys actually encounter each other once in a while. Also, have you noticed the screenwriters have constantly misspelled the word "Archangel"? |
|
What would you know? You're a smack-addled ex-supernatural being who sucks cock in purgatory. |
|
Touche! |
|
(wrath) |
|
Oh no! You killed everybody I care about! It sure does suck that here in the afterlife everybody is still completely mortal. I'm going to break my pattern of inaction and go COMPLETELY FUCKING INSANE WITH RAGE. |
|
(kills all the bad guys with little effort) |
|
Well, time for the final apocalyptic battle, I suppose. While I'm sure it would be entertaining to actually fight each other, it would be a lot more emo if we just stood around discussing our feelings for like twenty minutes. So that's exactly what we're going to do. |
|
I feel sad because you were my friend once, and then you turned evil and killed all my other friends, and now I can never again run my fingers through your beautiful silky black hair. Despite my awesome black tattoo, I will never be as goth as you. |
|
I validate your sadness, brother. You realise I'm still going to stab the shit out of you, right? |
|
(stabbed the shit out of) |
|
(also stabbed) |
|
Oh no!! What have I done?? You were my soulmate!! As a final act of emoness, I'm going to bring you back to life! |
|
Thanks! |
|
(commits suicide) |
|
Hooray! |
