Red Rooster is like the fast food for very sensible adults. You don't get a lot of fat people standing in line for roast chicken and vegetables when Colonel Sanders is down the street hocking his lard-encrusted pseudo-chicken product. Red Rooster is a simple, no-nonsense corporation that politely offers the kind of hearty roast fowl that your mother used to make, before I killed her.

Red Rooster used to be called Big Rooster, at least 100 years ago. They were forced to change this name because a crack team of Today Tonight investigators found that there was nothing big about Big Rooster's roosters. Lately Red Rooster has been under investigation regarding the redness of their roosters, and are considering changing their name to Nondescript Rooster.

Unlike most other fast food options, Red Rooster stands out as being completely not American, a fact which has driven many Americans into a blinding rage at our attempts to steal their culture. The only real defense we have is that Red Rooster has developed the revolutionary concept of nutrition content.

CLASSIC QUARTER		TROPICANA
The "bread and butter" Red Rooster meal, inappropriately named because it doesn't actually contain any bread or butter, but rather chicken and some kind of revolutionary potato product they call "chips". Ever since Colonel Sanders invented chicken in 1936, it's been commonly assumed that the only way to prepare it for consumption is to hold it in a deep frier for twenty minutes. Red Rooster's alternative "roasting" method has earned it a reputation for heresy, and even as a dangerous cult. The mystery of exactly which quarter of a chicken is its "classic" quarter is a secret known only to Red Rooster employees.		Sometime, somewhere, somebody decided that the one thing that goes perfectly with chicken is pineapple. I'm pretty sure that person was killed. The Tropicana pack is pretty much just a classic quarter with hoops of pineapple. Despite efforts by Red Rooster to hide their pineapple shame by coating the fruit pieces in breadcrumbs are barely sufficient, as one bite will betray the fact that they are not, in fact, rings of batter or lard. The presence of fruit apparently makes this a "tropical" meal, despite the fact that I don't think they have chickens in the tropics.
CLASSIC ROAST		STRIP SUB
When Redmond McRooster, founder of Red Rooster, first proposed the idea of selling a meal with vegetables in his fast food chain, many thought he was mad, and his irresistable compulsion to murder dozens of prostitutes only strengthened that suspicion. But once people tasted the classic roast, with its delectable mashed potato and juicy peas, they were instantly hooked until McDonald's opened down the road.		Named after a famous adult entertainment submarine, the strip sub is Red Rooster's version of the typical fast food burger with its scrappy bit of lettuce, squirt of mayonnaise and chunks of overprocessed, overfried quasi-meat. The problem with the strip sub is that it's actually big enough to fill you up, ruining Red Rooster's opportunity to slog you for the price of seventeen burgers in one meal.
ROOSTER ROLL		CHICKEN STRIPS
In an enviable show of ingeniuity and resourcefulness, Red Rooster manages to sell all the parts of the chicken that they couldn't sell in the first place by grinding it up, drowning it in an unbelievable amount of mayonnaise and shoving it on a bun. Hold your breath while you chew and you almost can't taste the cartilage.		A strip sub for people who don't like bread. Most people assume they are made of chicken, but in actual fact they were named for their inventor, Harold "Chicken Strips" Stripson.

HEALTH KILL FACTOR: 30%

Red Rooster actually ain't that bad for you. All things considered, you could always do worse. However, due to international laws prohibiting fast food outlets from offering more than five healthy products on their menu, it's commonly known that Red Rooster's potatoes are made of AIDS.

Horrifying.

MASCOT RATING: 2/10

Red Rooster is kind of hit-and-miss when it comes to mascots. They don't really have any one thing that you could describe as a mascot, but rather a number of one-dimensional quasi-characters who infrequently appear in the background of their advertisements. There's this naked red-haired lady with buck teeth and a mouth wide enough to swallow a barge, as well as this hastily drawn rooster who my sources assure me is named "Red":

The contents of the Little Red Rooster Meal show us that Red's favourite hobby is starving children, but we can probably deduce from his oversized beak and head shaped like the Ace of Clubs that Red is likely retarded beyond his ability to reason.

I'm not sure whether the chicken on the Red Rooster logo itself counts as a mascot as it appears to be little more than a scribble on a grease-stained napkin.

THE VERDICT:

Red Rooster offers a pleasant alternative to the lardy mess that most other fast food options offer. I'm not sure whether this is a good or a bad thing, seeing as pretty much the whole idea of fast food is to get as fat as possible in the shortest amount of time. Still, of all the chicken-related fast foods out there, Red Rooster is the one that tastes most like chicken. In fact, it's the only one that tastes even remotely like chicken. This is because, unlike most other outlets, they use actual chicken in their food.