McDonalds is pretty much the definitive icon of American world domination, even though it's name is definitively Scottish. It also holds the notorious status of being the most evil thing in existence ever. It's theorised that Adolf Hitler, once merely a struggling artist, was struck with the irresistable urge to kill Jews only after he ate a big mac. The fries made him kill gypsies and the shakes instilled in him a hatred of Communists. However, he, along with most people, had always desired to kill the French. Other catastrophies for which McDonalds is single-handedly responsible include the obesity crisis, global warming, and Paris Hilton.

A McDonald's burger is classed as food in only the strictest possible sense, although some prefer to class it as a plastic. In an infamous experiment carried out in the film Super Size Me, a guy ate McDonald's for a whole month and then died horribly. McDonald's then showed up at the funeral and laughed, before having sex with the filmmaker's sister and giving her HIV. She also died.

BIG MAC		CHEESEBURGER
McDonald's prides itself on the big mac, claiming it to be a unique taste experience unrivalled by any other burger in the cosmos. This is technically correct, as no other burger tastes quite so much like a Cold War era dictionary. However, claims of the big mac's uniqueness are overstated. It's just beef, pickles, lettuce, cheese and bread. Most people can replicate the big mac experience at home, though few want to. The big mac is big only in comparison to other McDonald's burgers, many of which can barely be seen with the naked eye. In reality, the big mac is just two cheeseburgers stacked on top of each other.		The McDonald's cheeseburger is the staple diet of 67% of Americans. Too lazy to dump some shitty meat, cheese and sauce on a bun at home, most people prefer to spend an insane amount of money for five-year-olds working minimum wage to do it for them. The cheeseburger is the smallest, flattest burger in the entire world. Most people have the ability to eat up to three cheeseburgers in a single bite. McDonald's deliberately reduces the size of its burgers by a millimetre per year so that nobody really notices it's happening.
QUARTER POUNDER		FILLET O'FISH
In Paris they don't call this a quarter pounder. They have the metric system, so they don't know what the fuck a quarter pounder is. So what do they call it? A royale with cheese. A big mac is still a big mac, they call it le big mac. I don't know what they call a whopper because I didn't go into a Burger King, but you know what they put on french fries in Holland instead of ketchup? Mayonnaise. I've seen them do it. And I don't mean a little bit on the side of the plate, they fuckin' drown them in it.		The fillet o'fish is pathetic. Honestly, look at it. It's like they didn't even try. They just whacked a slab of fish on a bun and called it a day. "Hey guys! What goes with fish?" "I dunno, man. Put some mayo and cheese on that shit." "Success!" Many people don't consider the fillet o'fish to be a real McDonald's burger because the name is Irish. For these reasons and more, nobody has ever actually ordered a fillet o'fish.
FRIES		McNUGGETS
The rumour that McDonald's fries has to be legally classified a confectionary due to its nutrition content has been proven false. Fries actually have nowhere near the nutrition of confectionary.		What part of a chicken are its nuggets? lol

HEALTH KILL FACTOR: 70%

Reliable media sources suggest that eating McDonald's will kill you. Not slowly, either. Like, you'll die, right there in the restaurant, halfway through your burger. Anyone who says otherwise is clearly brainwashed by the worldwide conservative conspiracy. Scientists use a method known as liberal data extrapolation to calculate the number of people killed each year by McDonald's. Statistics are taken of the total number of people in the entire world killed annually by heart disease, cholesterol, diabetes and stroke, and then the combined data is multiplied by the death toll of the Holocaust. This highly accurate method is the same one used to calculate the impact of global warming.

Amedeo Avogadro would be more popular if not for McDonald's deliberate miseducation campaign.

Ronald McDonald murders up to 500 children per year.

MASCOT RATING: 9/10

McDonald's hit a home run with its mascots, which are actually the most recognisable characters in human history. The McDonald's mascot pantheon has even featured in its own cartoon series. It's been established that most children even find the image of Ronald McDonald more recognisable than some of the great figures of history, such as 18th Century chemist Amedeo Avogadro, whose contribution to the science led to many discoveries in the field of molecular physics. Those children are now dead.

Critics have blasted the use of a skinny, energetic, happy clown to advertise McDonald's food, suggesting that Ronald McDonald does not properly represent the physical and mental state yielded by the consumption of McDonald's food. McDonald's responded by using Dreamworks' popular fat, stupid, ugly, flatulent Shrek character to advertise its products, a decision that was also blasted by these same critics.

Other characters in the McDonald's mascot line-up include Grimace, the lovable obese purple monster whose desire to murder and eat children is overcome only by the mass consumption of McDonald's products; The kleptomaniac prison escapee Hamburglar, who loves McDonald's so much that he will steal, murder and rape to obtain them, especially rape; and Birdy, the happy bird who can't fly. It's theorised that her ability to fly is compromised by her morbid obesity as a result of consuming McDonalds. Her lack of flight makes Birdy vulnerable to rape by Hamburglar.

The mascots of McDonald's live in a happy, magical fast food world known as McDonaldland, a land where the consumption of McDonald's is mandated by law. Until the mid-seventies, the leader of McDonaldland was a character named Mayor McCheese, a happy aristocrat with a huge cheeseburger for a head. The character was famously eliminated in 1973 when a series of advertiserments showed him consuming a Hungry Jack's Whopper, and subsequently being stoned to death and cannibalised by the other McDonaldland residents.

THE VERDICT:

A world without McDonald's is a world that I don't want to live in. It provides comfort and familiarity in what can often be a terrifying world. It also awards some manner of immunity from trigger-happy Americans, as the United States has never waged war on a nation with a McDonald's restaurant. Every time I walk out my door and see those forty-seven golden arches visible from my home, I draw a deep breath and thank God that the mighty bald eagle won't be dropping a nuke on me today to get its hands on the tin of oil in my shed. McDonald's does not, however, protect me from Communism.