Kentucky Fried Chicken is without a doubt the least imaginative of the fast food options. Always the pessimist, KFC invented a groundbreaking new way to cook fried chicken, and then gave up hope of inventing anything else, ever.

And that's okay. KFC are unashamedly the only fast food joint that refuses to cave in to the patronising "healthy options" trend. They understand that if you want to eat a fucking salad then you'll go to the salad bar two rows over. With KFC, there's no standing around and holding up the line, rubbing your chin and squinting at the menu, agonising over what you feel like ordering. Variety is nonexistant. If you're shifting your mighty girth toward the KFC counter, you already know exactly what you want. You want that goddamn chicken.

For this reason, the KFC menu is simplicity itself:

CHICKEN		CHICKEN STRIPS
The one breakthrough that KFC can claim throughout the company's entire history. After coming up with this delicious oily, salty, herby recipe, KFC threw a party for its creative development devision - and then fired them all. KFC chicken comes in two varieties - spicy or not spicy. They briefly toyed with the concept of a skin-free option but cancelled it after three days, facing bankruptcy.		KFC chicken, cut into strips.
		POPCORN CHICKEN
		KFC chicken cut into a kind of a popcorn-shape. Contains no popcorn.
CHICKEN NUGGETS		CHICKEN BURGER
A nuggety way to eat KFC chicken.		KFC chicken on a bun, scrap of lettuce and mayo optional.
CHICKEN TWISTER		CHIPS
KFC chicken wrapped in Turkish bread. It's the KFC ethnic experience.		By all accounts, they taste a lot like chicken.

HEALTH KILL FACTOR: 180%

KFC is the only fast-food option that comes packaged with a recovery kit. A three-step course of napkins is provided to help you slosh off the layer of fat that becomes attached to your meaty fingers and jowls after you devour a meal. The chicken itself comes in an industrial-strength box designed to retain the soupy oil mixture that the food is swimming in. If you're even remotely concerned about living to see your sixtieth birthday, then the rules are very clear - never eat this shit. Even inhaling its aroma will scrape three years off your life expectancy. Experts deduce that if Morgan Spurlock had performed his Super Size Me experiment with KFC, he would have been dead in three days.

Einstein himself was baffled by the properties of KFC chicken.

Physicists have for years been baffled by KFC, as it remains the only food known to violate the universal laws of conservation of matter and energy. If, for example, you consume one pound of KFC chicken, you are likely to gain up to five pounds of mass. This is known as the Lardarse Paradox. It's theorised that KFC may hold the secret to infinite renewable energy. Unfortunately, scientists also estimate that if even a single power plant were designed to process this fuel, its emissions would destroy the planet in under five minutes.

The secret to KFC's success, according to left-wing internet sources, lies in its manipulation of science to perfect God's well-meaning designs. Genetically manufactured with six wings and up to fifteen legs each, KFC chickens are grown without heads to minimise suffering as they lie motionless in a protein soup that bloats their flesh to six times its natural size.

Colonal Sanders (prior to his execution)

Attempts to reinvent the Sanders mascot were more distressing

MASCOT RATING: 2/10

KFC loses points on its choice of mascot - a decrepit old bearded man with a pedophile grin. A fact again attributed to the company's absolute lack of imagination, KFC just slap a mugshot of the ugly old Confederate colonel who founded the business on the side of the bucket and call it a day. Colonel Harland Sanders with his amused smirk doesn't appear to be saying "Eat my chicken" so much as "I totally fucking dare you to survive my chicken. Now put your dick in my mouth."

Not surprisingly, a cursory internet search reveals that Sanders wasn't even a colonel at all, merely a crazy old rapist who liked to dress in costume, sit in his rocking-chair and shoot at niggers with a double-barrelled shotgun. He was renowned for his party tricks, especially the one where he delightfully crushed chickens with his bare hands, presumably the secret to KFC's super-efficient chicken slaughter that thrust it to the forefront of the chicken murder industry.

THE VERDICT:

KFC is like the heroin of fast food - its addictiveness is matched only by its deadliness. More than any other fast food option, it has the capacity to utterly destroy your life. As such, this website cannot officially endorse its use. Unofficially, however, KFC is awesome. Rest assured that all the cool people are doing it, and you will remain a social pariah up until such point as you submit to its greasy, demonic allure.